Orientation
I needed help.
I regularly woke up screaming into the darkness. I would be in some vividly urgent scenario where I was about to be killed. Sometimes I threw myself out of bed in order to escape my shadowy aggressor. I would come to, frantically thrashing my limbs in an effort to get away, my heart hammering my ribs, my throat raw, my voice hoarse, gradually realising once again that no, there was no-one lurking in the room, I was not about to be murdered in my bed; I had just had another night terror.
One of the hardest things about it was feeling so helpless about effecting change on something which lay outside of my conscious awareness. It made me nervous to go to sleep; my bedroom was no longer a sanctuary. I knew that I didn’t wish to take tranquillisers or sleeping pills so I tried valerian. I tried hypnosis. I tried past life regression. I tried magnesium. I tried warm baths and relaxation techniques. I tried blacked out windows and eye masks. I tried magical powders and potions. I tried prayers. All to no avail. I was stuck in a grim loop. The night terrors were becoming ever louder, more urgent, sometimes returning several times in one night. They were taking their toll on my health. I was frequently exhausted, hopeless and helpless. I was at the end of my tether.
In my search for an answer, I went to see a friend who does shamanic healing.
“This is a combination of old trauma lodged in your body and you picking up on what is going out there in the collective,” he told me. “These are tumultuous times. There is a lot of fear swirling around out there. You need to pull on all the practices you have learnt over the years in order to orient yourself through all this pain and confusion. This is the time, more than ever before, for you to align yourself with all that is powerful and good.”
The words of this good friend pointed me towards creating a daily practice which changed my life. I share it here in the hope that it might help you through any confusion and fear you may be experiencing. Maybe it will inspire you too.
My practice begins by saying good morning to the seven directions: East, South, West, North, up to the sky, down to the earth, and lastly towards the centre of my own heart. Since forever, people all over the world have navigated their way by checking their position in relation to the North Star, or the Southern Cross, depending on which hemisphere they are in. Stars move, but the North Star remains constant. By turning to salute each direction, I put myself in relation to them. I remind myself where I am physically. I do this practice whether I am outside in a field where I can see far in every direction, or in the confines of a hotel bedroom. Sometimes I am aided by a compass, other times it is the sun which tells me which way I am facing.
Next, I think of all the elements: earth, water, fire and air, as well as the mysterious fifth element. I remember that I, like all other living beings, whether plant or animal are made up of these minerals and elements.
Next, I say good morning to my guardian angel and my guides, thanking them for their constant protection and guidance, asking that I might have the clarity to hear it and the courage to follow it. I think of the great spiritual masters and teachers who have lived throughout time and I see their wisdom as an illuminated path.
Then I think of my family. I remember both my parents and all of my grandparents. I think of those I never met, but whose names I know. I think of the nameless ancestors reaching back in time. I think of all they went through to survive. I recognise that without them I would not be here. Then I think of my living family and send them love and blessings and wish them well. I send blessings into the future, touching all those yet to come. I take a moment here to bless my own life and health and happiness and all my dreams. I remember all my relations, the other human beings, the creatures of this earth, the trees, all the living beings on every realm. I am not alone.
Next, I think of all the various parts which make up who I am. I see my younger selves sitting inside me. like a Russian doll. I see the parts of myself that were excluded or shunned or forgotten as well as those which have been celebrated and included. “All parts are welcome.” I remind myself of the presence of Self and that however troubling I may have found various aspects of myself, they all have their place. They all have a role to play.
See Internal Family Systems for more.
Following this, I remember all my dear friends who have accompanied me in this life. I think of teachers, mentors, writers and people who have inspired me, some whom I have met and some whom I haven’t. I see all these people as stars twinkling in a grand constellation, lighting up the darkness of the night, each one of us encouraging the other, reminding us of who we really are. We all forget sometimes. We are not alone.
Then I remember what my intention for this life is. I am here to awaken from the trance of suffering and unworthiness and to become as present to this miraculous life as I am able. To be here now. To practice kindness and to be as true to my nature as possible. I choose to live as creatively, harmoniously and joyfully as I know how. I aim to help other people free themselves from suffering and to awaken into happier, more creative lives. I align myself with that goodness.
“I am large. I contain multitudes.”
And that is my morning practice. It reminds me of where I am in relation to those directions, to the past and the future. It reminds me of who accompanies me in this life. It reminds me of where I am headed and without fail it reminds me of what really matters. It steers me back on course no matter how many times I lose my way. It tethers me to the web of life. I am less likely to feel lost. And since I have been practicing this, since I have been healing my nervous system in all the various ways, I am glad to say I no longer suffer from the old terrors. I have more of a sense of belonging, of remembering who and where I am in relation to my home.
I would love to hear from you about any practices which have helped you.