Step by Step
There’s a heap of things I am resisting doing: those emails I haven’t replied to in weeks, if not months; the dreaded tax return awaiting my figures; the cupboard under the stairs stuffed with dubious items; even that embroidery project I started, but have not yet got stuck into. All these things, along with others I have relegated into some dark recess of my mind, take up energy, whirring away like a computer with too many tabs open, draining the battery.
I know full well I ought to do those things, I know I will feel better once I have done them. So why do I, and why do so many of us resist and procrastinate in this way, and what can we do about it?
The first time I experienced the torture of procrastination was at eleven years old, when I was given a science assignment. We were to cut out an assortment of pictures from magazines, sort them according to size and scale, and stick them onto a pull-out section in our exercise book, to be created with paper, scissors and glue.
I had little idea about how to estimate the size of an elephant, let alone an oil refinery or an airplane. I despaired when the paper rucked up and the glue made a mess as I inevitably changed the order of things. The project loomed over me like Mount Everest, which was one of the larger items on the dreaded scale. I put it off day after day. The thought of it soured much of my free time and it filled my mind the minute I closed my eyes at night. After much angst and weeks of nagging, I handed the wretched project to my teacher, who frowned at the splodges of glue. She was clearly shocked by how wildly I had miscalculated the size of things. This was the same teacher who later predicted I would “go to the dogs”, because of my unruly, curly hair! (She may have been onto something with that one, given how much I love animals.)
My teacher thought I was lazy and incompetent, and I believed her. Really, I was overwhelmed and needed some support.
“Procrastination is not laziness. It is fear. Call it by its right name and forgive yourself.”
There are various reasons for procrastinating, but most of them do boil down to fear. Common fears are that we need to do things perfectly otherwise we will be judged harshly by others. With a little exploration, we usually find that the harshest judgements are our own. Any core beliefs we have that we are not capable or good enough can overwhelm and stop us in our tracks. Telling ourselves that we are lazy and useless only causes the fearful parts of us to freeze. So we procrastinate.
Had my science teacher been curious about what was making me worried, had she encouraged me with kind words and helped me break things down into more manageable steps, it would have been far more effective than her judgement. As it was, she passed on what she herself had learnt.
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I manage to procrastinate even about the things I love to do, if I tell myself it is something I ought to do. As a teenager, at the beginning of the school holidays, my mum used to tell me I really ought to call my grandmother. Now, I delighted in seeing my beloved grandmother, but there was something weighty about this expectation which caused me to forget this; I felt very resistant to picking up the phone. Each time my mother found me lolling about on the sofa, she would ask me had I called her yet? Her intentions were good; she knew it was important that I called my grandmother, but the less choice I felt I had, the more I dug in my heels and resisted the inevitable.
While it might look on the surface as though procrastination is an inert state, underneath there is generally an exhausting fight going on between different aspects of ourselves.
Imagine several different characters living inside us, each with their different needs and agendas, each pushing back against the other. Often there is a wild, young part of us who feels they haven’t been listened to or consulted, let alone given a choice. They may think that their only option is to dig in their heels. Then there is the part who takes to berating ourselves, in the voice inherited from our teachers and parents, who in turn learnt it from their parents and teachers. Industrialised culture, with all its clocks, deadlines and narrow parameters of what is judged acceptable talks in oughts and shoulds. Sometimes the only way we know how to push back against this oppressive restriction is by reverting back to our rebellious, adolescent natures and procrastinating for all we are worth.
We can see this fight going on in the brain. When we procrastinate, the limbic system, the unconscious part of your brain which responds to pleasure, is at odds with the prefrontal cortex, the conscious part, responsible for planning. When the limbic system wins, we put off the unpleasant thing we are resisting. The relief is of course temporary. Soon enough we feel uneasy, guilty, anxious and those limiting beliefs about ourselves get reinforced.
There are of course certain things that I may not feel like doing, but ultimately I choose to because they align with my values. For example, my wild self balks at the prospect of filling in my tax return; she would far rather be out on the beach, but I make the choice to do the unappealing, yet grown up thing because it is in alignment with my values. This is where negotiations can be helpful. They might go something like this: ‘I know how the thought of dealing with all those figures is beyond boring and grim; it’s the last thing you feel like doing, but since we need to complete it, let’s see if we can come to some sort of arrangement. How about we spend half the day on the figures, get them out the way and then go to the beach afterwards?’ You may be surprised at how things can shift once you have engaged with the resisting aspects of yourself.
By consulting those resistant parts, by asking ourselves, is this truly my choice, we can free up the log jam of procrastination. By making the choice a conscious one, by accepting the resistance and engaging our will we are kick starting the prefrontal cortex. The more we do this, the stronger it becomes.
“Delaying gratification is a process of scheduling the pain and pleasure of life in such a way as to enhance the pleasure of life by meeting and experiencing the pain first and getting it over with. It is the only decent way to live.”
Resisting and dragging out the thing we know we need to do prolongs our suffering. Had I cracked on with my homework straight away, however imperfectly, I could have had more carefree time playing with my friends. If my grown up self understands that I have chosen to answer those emails, creating more free and peaceful time in my life is an incentive to getting them done immediately, Resisting or kicking and screaming all the way only robs me of my peace.
How do we get better at deferring gratification? The same way we strengthen our muscles: by repeatedly working against resistance. Each time we choose to use our will to do the things we are resisting, we build stamina, strength and self respect. I find it helpful to reframe my resistance as something I can push against which make me stronger, in the same way that I use weights to build my muscles.
Apparently small acts, such as ending a shower with cold water or practicing yoga every day, are powerful over time. We are strengthening not only the body, but the will.
“Think of many things. Do one.”
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When I was nine years old, I had a violin teacher called Nelly. It is not easy for beginners to make good sounds as they scrape away on open strings. Nelly accompanied me on the piano with melodious, encouraging chords, giving me the impression I was actually making some kind of music! “Now make sure you practice for no more than five minutes a day,” she told me as I packed up my violin. This lovely, wise woman understood the power of keeping things small. I practiced without fail every day.
If you are feeling overwhelmed and inadequate in the face of a challenge, tiny, manageable steps are your friend. Think about the tortoise in Aesop’s fable who made steady progress step by tiny step.
If I want to declutter the whole of my house, I am far more likely to actually do it if I break the project down into manageable steps. By setting the timer for ten minutes and sorting out the cutlery drawer, I have started. Once I start and move onto the next thing, I build momentum and motivation.
Sometimes what is needed is a combination of push and pull, of understanding and structure. Arranging for someone to collect all the things to go the charity shop, is not only of practical support, but it also provides me with a galvanising deadline to work towards. Having someone to be accountable to, to cheer us on and celebrate with us can make all the difference. We can also find ways to make the job more pleasurable. By listening to a really interesting pod casts as I work, I am more likely to want to continue with the job.
“Never hurry. Never cease.”
A dear Swiss friend once gave me valuable advice. It was my first time walking in the Alps and despite my enthusiasm for the mountains, I was tiring easily.
“Don’t rush. Don’t stop. Zig zag your way up the side of the mountain and keep your pace as steady as you can.” I soon found how right he was. By finding a sustainable, steady rhythm, by talking less, I was able to keep going without exhausting myself. Before long I had forgotten the strain on my body and I was able to enjoy the spectacular view.
It takes more energy to stop and start and push through inertia each time than it does to continue at a sustainable pace. If I overdo things and then collapse, I am less likely to want to return to the job.
So what about that list of things I have been resisting and procrastinating about? I have recently committed to work through it, one thing at a time, doing one thing a day. I wrote some emails I had been putting off for an embarrassingly long time, filled in some forms I had been avoiding, and of course found that they weren’t nearly as bad as my resistant self had feared. It feels good to get them done. I feel mentally lighter. Beyond the satisfaction of ticking off the items, each time I complete something, I sense how much precious energy is no longer leaking and draining my batteries.
All the more energy to be present and smell the roses with. All the more energy available to create the things which matter and to live a good life.
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